Don't wanna be in this skin anymore.

 

The thing is, I'm just so lost. 

These days, I don't even know who I am or who I was anymore. I feel completely detached from everything, everyone, and all my memories has disappeared.

I hate that I don't recognize you, nor us. I hate that both of us have changed. 

I hate that I am being consumed by whatever this is, vengeance, hatred, pain, misery or whatever you want to call it. 

I let it consume me that I have lost every essence in me, I have lost every capability to enjoy life like other people, unable to see and cherish all the beautiful moments in life.

I let it define me. The pain, the fear, the anger, the vengeance, the grief. 

That is my biggest mistake. 

I don't want to be in this skin anymore.

It hit me when I was scrolling through my phone, looking for pictures to post for my schoolmate's birthday, I ran upon my old conversations with people that I have known throughout my school year.

I was very different. I was brave, kind, strong, optimistic and nothing like the current version of myself. 

I have lost everything (at least that's what I believed, because I have lost a family member once, though they came back). But for now, all my sparks in my eyes has gone, my faith in people, my memories, my focus, my hard work, my dreams, all of it has fade away.

It feels as I am moving backward when everyone else is moving forward. 

Please, I don't wanna be like this anymore.

Please God, send me help.