Inflamed.

 

    

    Inflamed. Interesting choice of words isn't it?  It is based on the pathology subject that I took for this semester. You know what happen after the cell/tissue injury? Inflammation. The white blood process comes rush to the site of injury and the agglutination and the permeability of blood vessels occurs and more in details that you can pretty much find in the Pathology textbook lol.  Anyway, the post injury first reaction is the inflammation. And if my life is a phase, it would be in "inflammation phase".  A LOT happened since my last post. Betrayal after betrayal. Constantly at the gun point. I've got enemies around me, circling me. Didn't feel safe anywhere. Even right now. It's like a never ending struggle. I am not whining by the way.  But I've learnt SO MUCH. I know that we can't trust anyone. I know how to play it cool. I know the tricks to survive. My bio, on insta and twitter is "Definitely the anti-hero". It's because I'm not a good person but I'm also not the main villain. I'm telling you I'm not a good person because even if I knew something off about something, I just keep quiet on it and silent treatment and just proceed to cut it off. The ties or whatever it was. If I was honest, I'll talk it through. But I know it's not worth it. And in my defense, I'm not the villain because even how much you hurt me or try to drag me down, I did not wish anything bad for you nor wanting a revenge. My only coping mechanisms and defense is by being the better version of myself so that you could NEVER beat me in any kind of way. Be it fashion, mannerism, academics or leadership. That is something that I can flex. Definitely.

    Anyway, what happened to the guy? The guy that I mentioned in my last post. A LOT happened between us. Wounds and scars, you named it. But one thing I can say is he is still right beside me as he was . He never left and never stop caring about me. I don't want to mention about what he did and how he hurt me because I'm still waiting for the closure too. And I know I fucked up a lot too. Nawh have you seen a narcissist like me admitting mistakes? Haha, for the first time bruh. Lowering my ego for him. I swear he is the best I ever have. The one that I love the most but the one that I hurt the most. Pretty deep connection, both of us share. I'm telling you no outsiders has ever cared for like that before. Haha sounds pathetic isn't it?Well, I'm not bluffing. Someone that cared a lot, and can absorb my emotions and know how I'm feeling without me telling him. He is the person that I can't lie to because he will find out about it. A person that I can't hide anything from. My soft spot. My weak spot. But also the person I'll pick myself up for and be brave for. Wish I'm not so fucked up in the head so that he won't get hurt because he definitely can absorb my emotion. Yes, he's like an empath but we're connected on another level. Talked about him a lot to God. To my mom. To my good friend. To my diaries.  I'm pretty sure there is an invisible string tying him to me. Like a fate. A good one I hope. please, God.

    Yesterday, I took a look at my toxic ex boyfriend's twitter lol. Just wondering. He finally with someone who matches him. Free hair, dyed red hair, grungy/baddie type of girl. Totally matched his aesthetic. A total different girl than me. That is why I was puzzled why he chose to pursue me in 2020 because I knew, I'm not his type. Both of us were using each other. I never even love him. Why do I mention this? Regrets. I wish my first relationship would be with someone that I love. Someone that I truly love. Contemplating why would I waste my time and everything for something that was not worth it and fake. And now that I found that 'someone special' I really wish I never started shit with this douche. That someone special that is 360 degrees different than my ex. Someone that I truly loves and loves me. Even my mom agree that my someone special is a good person. Someone that I can't never ever replace with anyone.

    Anyway, these days, I kept running out of energy. 2022 is like a 3 years journey for me and it has not even over yet. I am completely different person. More heartless and tougher. Meaner. Crazier. I always said this, " Don't worry, I have never hate anyone more than I hate myself,". And it's true. I hate it that I'm naive and looked weak that everyone took advantage of me. Used me like I'm a tool or something. Be it guys or girls. And if I shine, they'll throw their rocks like TS said in Ours, " People throw rocks at shing things,".Well, screw that really. I'm basically done with everything.

And just like inflammation, it's a phase/reaction after injury and I'm not healed yet. We're not in healing phase yet , buddy hahaha. So hanging there. Will it comes one day? The resolution stage? We'll see.

Sometimes, all I want is to breathe. Feels like I'm suffocated all the time.

Signing off at 1.17 am MIDNIGHTS.

Song : Maroon - Taylor Swift

           Anti-Hero - Taylor Swift

           Karma- Taylor Swift